One, I ‘member when I fell with you- no literally like, I fell with you. You were running up behind me and you were tried to give me a hug but you ended up slipping and you fell on top of me and I fell too…and everyone around us was laughing, I looked up at you… and you said you couldn’t get up because there was a rip in your sweats where you didn’t want it to be, I started laughing more.
Two, I remember the day you told me your favorite candy is peanut-M&Ms. It’s funny ‘cause after that, I started eating a lot more peanut-M&Ms. It was crazy, I remember even waking up some days and digging through all my pockets just so I can find a dollar so I can buy a bag of peanut-M&Ms and surprise with them…for you at school and I had to do so, just so I would have a reason to talk to you.
Three, I remember the day you texted me “I never had a kiss in the rain.” Later that day it rained.
Four, I once told you that the most meaningful gifts were the ones that were most personal, that sometimes, an arrangement of letters put inside of a letters speaks louder than words, and sometimes words just can’t explain how I feel. I told you that the most meaningful gifts are the ones that were written, hand written letters and hand written notes. After that you started writing me a lot more notes and letters.
Five, recently I look back at all those notes and letters and don’t get me wrong, I find myself smiling but, I don’t know if I’m smiling because I’m happy… or because I miss it all.
Six, further down the road I started to become insecure, I started to grow into something I thought I would never be- you see it’s hard to understand but… I was insecure to the point that every time it got cold I was hoping you would ask for my sweater, I was insecure to the point where I would have to start reading text messages just to try to satisfy my craving for you, I was insecure to the point, where I spent more time thinking about if you ever thought about me rather than actually thinking about you, I was insecure to the point where I started to wonder if you ever felt like this. So I asked you, I asked you what your insecurities were. You see, you- you didn’t tell me, and so badly I wanted to know. I wanted to know if there’s ever a place in you that never felt safe just so my lips could serve your shelter and every time you felt lost or abandoned I can kiss you and make you feel back at home… because I knew what it was like to feel insecure and I never wanted you to feel like that.
Seven, you were the only person I can tell everything to. If there was something I would want to rejoice about, or cry about, or laugh about, you would be that person. You always told me if I ever had any problems, I can just talk to you about them. It’s funny because even after we broke up you still told me if I ever needed to talk about my problems, you’d be there for me, but I don’t think you understand how I’m suppose to talk about my problems to you when you are my problem, how am I suppose to rejoice with you if you’re the person I use to rejoice about, how am I suppose to cry… knowing your the reason I cry about.
Eight, you once told me that before me you were only in one relationship… and that never worked out because he cheated on you, knowing that- knowing that you were once cheated on, I started to want to become this perfect boyfriend for you. I started to try to become something I clearly wasn’t.
Nine, even though all has ended, i didn’t walk away this empty handed, you taught more to me than I would have ever think I would learn about myself.
Ten, when we were together there would often be time where you would randomly catch me smiling at you and you would ask me “Why are you smiling?” and I would tell you it was nothing and we just go out on my day, you always wanted to know but, I just felt like, I didn’t even know myself, but I think I figured it all out, you see in the future if you ever meet a boy and you two end up falling for each other and at random times where you randomly catch him smiling at you and he says it’s for no reason whats so ever don’t believe him, it’s not nothing because he isn’t just smiling at you, he is smiling at every piece of happiness he had ever held before, he’s smiling at every moment that you guys share together and every moment he wishes to share in the future, he is smiling at the next, how ever many years of his life he will live because he feels content, he feels safe.
Ten, you are still the first and last thing on my mind. Ten, there is not a day that had pass that I haven’t thought about you, ten, I even try to get you out of my mind to do things but you’re still on my mind, when I’m happy and not with friends, I’m still thinking about you, ten, I remember the time you were over at my place and I was looking at you straight in the eyes and I said “Your eyes are brown.” You looked back at me and said “Yours are too” and we started laughing and I don’t even know why ‘til this day. Ten, I can’t believe we started out as friends and I can’t believe how difficult it is to just be friends with you again.
I hope you realize, the reason I’ve been repeating the number ten is because I will never run out of things to say about you, but I know it all have to stop somewhere, so I’ll stop now..
Wow thanks for taking the time to write this out. I didn’t actually put down my stuff on paper so it’s kind of cool having a written copy now :)
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